If Abbott & Costello Were Alive Today

If Abbott & Costello were alive today, it would sound something like this…….

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 17%

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 17%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 17% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%…

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 17%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 17% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed?

ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work… Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 17%. You don’t want to read about 17% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

 

Originial Author is unknown

25 Life Lessons My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. ” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. ” If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY . “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . “You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . “If you don “t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

 

Original Author is unknown

Senior Citizens

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took: 

  • The melody out of music,
  • The pride out of appearance,
  • The courtesy out of driving,
  • The romance out of love,
  • The commitment out of marriage,
  • The responsibility out of parenthood,
  • The togetherness out of the family,
  • The learning out of education,
  • The service out of patriotism,
  • The Golden Rule from rulers,
  • The nativity scene out of cities,
  • The civility out of behavior,
  • The refinement out of language,
  • The dedication out of employment,
  • The prudence out of spending,
  • The ambition out of achievement or
  • God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!! 

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. 

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? What about the last verse of My Country ’tis of Thee? 

“Our father’s God to thee, Author of liberty, To Thee we sing. Long may our land be bright, With freedom’s Holy light. Protect us by Thy might, Great God our King.” 

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts! 

YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN! 

I’m the life of the party……even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps…. with a hammer. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere. I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg. I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. I’m a walking storeroom of facts….. I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom door.  

Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

 

Original Author is unknown